Saturday, December 18, 2010

Late Night Awakening

I had an account on here before that I can no longer access. It may be for the best. As I read the posts from back in the day when I was sure I was going to be a pastor, I was reminded that not much goes as planned. It is an important lesson, especially now, where it seems like everything is going as planned, which is an empowering feeling.

I sit here in the dark, fireplace on, dogs asleep right next to me, thinking about nothing really, now wondering if I have anything worth saying. I know I do, somewhere in there, but it is of little worth if I have nobody to listen. Another worthwhile feeling with school: the amount of people who desire to listen to me now. The differences from then to now are stark, and I can't help but wondering if all that failing and all this success is just moving me somewhere in the middle. That may just be fear typing though.

I began reading a book I first purchased when I got my Kindle, Father Fiction: Chapters for the Fatherless by Donald Miller. I was excited when I first purchased it because I had read a book by him earlier entitled To Own A Dragon which was related to the title of the most current purchase (the thought of owning a dragon had a lot of correlation to having a dad, because neither was around). The Kindle book is pretty much just selected chapters from To Own A Dragon, and at first that rubbed me the wrong way, but I burst through the first four chapters and was repositioned to be brought back to that which I really need to deal with: my daddy issues.

Looking at myself then and myself now, not much has changed in that region. I still am trying to prove I will not be any semblance of the man who deserted me long ago. I went for the opposite of who I thought he was back then, but now I am striving for who I truly am, which I think is a better path. Searching within myself to find these things though, I feel that by finding myself I won't necessarily shed him, and that is what needs to happen. Donald Miller mentions that a lot of who he was was due to the fact he had no father growing up; how he ran from relationships because he was never taught how to handle himself when presented with one, a fight or flight inner light would flash when presented with one. I see that in me. I made a joke with a new friend that it was alright if she wasn't "into" me because I always like the girls that can't like me back. At the time I was trying to be cute, but there was a lot of truth in it. I have a great sense for people and how they are thinking/feeling, so I should be able to translate that into a dating relationship one would think. Yet those in the past I have pursued, feebly, have been girls who either had no interest in me or expected more of me and I was happy to just let those end where they may. Safe. I could express myself normally by liking girls more than worthy of liking, but with no real requirement to man up because at some point they would abandon me anyways.

I hope identifying such a trait is the first step to fixing it. It feels like it would be the natural first step. Miller also spends some time talking about Eisenhower and how he was brought up to believe the world needed him. He was taught that his family would fall apart without him, all the children were taught this. If he believed his family would fall apart without him, eventually he would go on to believe his community/city/country would do the same. That is a trait of greatness I have never heard professed before. Comparing it to my life, I have a ways to go to reach such a status. I feel I have moved in the right direction a lot by myself in the past few years, but that hidden, comes-out-intuitively mode is not trained that way. I felt, like Miller, that my family would be better off without me, there would be less stress on my mother and siblings if I were not around.
It was a good Kindle purchase. I will probably finish it before the weekend is through, taking mental stock of what needs to change and looking for any insight on how to make that happen. Hopefully I can take care of it the way I have been taking care of tasks at school, because then it would not stand a chance of sticking around.

I've missed blogging. I do not like hand writing my thoughts, it feels obtrusive, but on a computer I feel much more natural. Must be an age thing. I hope this can be helpful in some way, if anything, just to have me document my hopes and desires and feel an urge to get them done so I cross them off. If God were unable to be everywhere at once, He would probably appreciate a written account of what took place. I know I do.