Finally had time earlier today to reach the IT Help-desk and get my computer compliant to network security standards. I then used the internet to fall asleep to South Park after dinner. It was productive. The mix of heat, time-loss, and jet-lag have all combined to throw my finely tuned sleep patterns into disarray. Night one I fell asleep for 10 solid hours. Last night I was up till 5. Let's hope tonight is a bit more stable as I start class tomorrow.
The move has been fine, it feels like a more humid any-ol-place. My campus is absolutely gorgeous. My house is spacious and comes with one roommate who is very cool. It could use some decoration, as its age is very apparent, but until I have funds start pouring in, that will be secondary. I still await my boxes full of clothes and electronics to get that full move-in feel I have been yearning for, I still feel incomplete, like I am in a motel. My worries stay focused on the future, when I have to move my stuff again, and I will be looking for somewhere close to hold an internship or job, but it gets much more confusing when breaks are introduced here at school, so I best leave that for later.
I had planned on staying relatively inactive this first semester, but I can already tell that won't last. I have overlooked the clubs list, and will be checking a few out soon. Just dwelling on that brings forth a flurry of activities I have yet to embark on, which stresses me out as I am running thin right now. But I look forward in anticipation.
Add on to that a hurricane meeting me upon arrival over here and one can only hope to stay sane. Luckily my town of Westminster was relatively unaffected. There are tree branches that broke, but no real damage to anything. Strangely, the hurricane remnants added a bit of peace to my night last night. It was still humid, so the rain was warm, but the breeze took it down a notch, and I went for a walk across campus, getting familiar with my surroundings. A few times I would pass by a light and be surprised at how hard it was raining. After the sweltering day previous though, I welcomed the cool air and wet surrounding. A little ironically, me and my fellow transfers took to the steadfast tradition of "ringing the bell" in the rain. I felt right at home. A little sign to remind me that everything is under control perhaps. Leave up to the big man upstairs to communicate calm using a hurricane. I dig it though.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Late Night Awakening
I had an account on here before that I can no longer access. It may be for the best. As I read the posts from back in the day when I was sure I was going to be a pastor, I was reminded that not much goes as planned. It is an important lesson, especially now, where it seems like everything is going as planned, which is an empowering feeling.
I sit here in the dark, fireplace on, dogs asleep right next to me, thinking about nothing really, now wondering if I have anything worth saying. I know I do, somewhere in there, but it is of little worth if I have nobody to listen. Another worthwhile feeling with school: the amount of people who desire to listen to me now. The differences from then to now are stark, and I can't help but wondering if all that failing and all this success is just moving me somewhere in the middle. That may just be fear typing though.
I began reading a book I first purchased when I got my Kindle, Father Fiction: Chapters for the Fatherless by Donald Miller. I was excited when I first purchased it because I had read a book by him earlier entitled To Own A Dragon which was related to the title of the most current purchase (the thought of owning a dragon had a lot of correlation to having a dad, because neither was around). The Kindle book is pretty much just selected chapters from To Own A Dragon, and at first that rubbed me the wrong way, but I burst through the first four chapters and was repositioned to be brought back to that which I really need to deal with: my daddy issues.
Looking at myself then and myself now, not much has changed in that region. I still am trying to prove I will not be any semblance of the man who deserted me long ago. I went for the opposite of who I thought he was back then, but now I am striving for who I truly am, which I think is a better path. Searching within myself to find these things though, I feel that by finding myself I won't necessarily shed him, and that is what needs to happen. Donald Miller mentions that a lot of who he was was due to the fact he had no father growing up; how he ran from relationships because he was never taught how to handle himself when presented with one, a fight or flight inner light would flash when presented with one. I see that in me. I made a joke with a new friend that it was alright if she wasn't "into" me because I always like the girls that can't like me back. At the time I was trying to be cute, but there was a lot of truth in it. I have a great sense for people and how they are thinking/feeling, so I should be able to translate that into a dating relationship one would think. Yet those in the past I have pursued, feebly, have been girls who either had no interest in me or expected more of me and I was happy to just let those end where they may. Safe. I could express myself normally by liking girls more than worthy of liking, but with no real requirement to man up because at some point they would abandon me anyways.
I hope identifying such a trait is the first step to fixing it. It feels like it would be the natural first step. Miller also spends some time talking about Eisenhower and how he was brought up to believe the world needed him. He was taught that his family would fall apart without him, all the children were taught this. If he believed his family would fall apart without him, eventually he would go on to believe his community/city/country would do the same. That is a trait of greatness I have never heard professed before. Comparing it to my life, I have a ways to go to reach such a status. I feel I have moved in the right direction a lot by myself in the past few years, but that hidden, comes-out-intuitively mode is not trained that way. I felt, like Miller, that my family would be better off without me, there would be less stress on my mother and siblings if I were not around.
...
It was a good Kindle purchase. I will probably finish it before the weekend is through, taking mental stock of what needs to change and looking for any insight on how to make that happen. Hopefully I can take care of it the way I have been taking care of tasks at school, because then it would not stand a chance of sticking around.
I've missed blogging. I do not like hand writing my thoughts, it feels obtrusive, but on a computer I feel much more natural. Must be an age thing. I hope this can be helpful in some way, if anything, just to have me document my hopes and desires and feel an urge to get them done so I cross them off. If God were unable to be everywhere at once, He would probably appreciate a written account of what took place. I know I do.
I sit here in the dark, fireplace on, dogs asleep right next to me, thinking about nothing really, now wondering if I have anything worth saying. I know I do, somewhere in there, but it is of little worth if I have nobody to listen. Another worthwhile feeling with school: the amount of people who desire to listen to me now. The differences from then to now are stark, and I can't help but wondering if all that failing and all this success is just moving me somewhere in the middle. That may just be fear typing though.
I began reading a book I first purchased when I got my Kindle, Father Fiction: Chapters for the Fatherless by Donald Miller. I was excited when I first purchased it because I had read a book by him earlier entitled To Own A Dragon which was related to the title of the most current purchase (the thought of owning a dragon had a lot of correlation to having a dad, because neither was around). The Kindle book is pretty much just selected chapters from To Own A Dragon, and at first that rubbed me the wrong way, but I burst through the first four chapters and was repositioned to be brought back to that which I really need to deal with: my daddy issues.
Looking at myself then and myself now, not much has changed in that region. I still am trying to prove I will not be any semblance of the man who deserted me long ago. I went for the opposite of who I thought he was back then, but now I am striving for who I truly am, which I think is a better path. Searching within myself to find these things though, I feel that by finding myself I won't necessarily shed him, and that is what needs to happen. Donald Miller mentions that a lot of who he was was due to the fact he had no father growing up; how he ran from relationships because he was never taught how to handle himself when presented with one, a fight or flight inner light would flash when presented with one. I see that in me. I made a joke with a new friend that it was alright if she wasn't "into" me because I always like the girls that can't like me back. At the time I was trying to be cute, but there was a lot of truth in it. I have a great sense for people and how they are thinking/feeling, so I should be able to translate that into a dating relationship one would think. Yet those in the past I have pursued, feebly, have been girls who either had no interest in me or expected more of me and I was happy to just let those end where they may. Safe. I could express myself normally by liking girls more than worthy of liking, but with no real requirement to man up because at some point they would abandon me anyways.
I hope identifying such a trait is the first step to fixing it. It feels like it would be the natural first step. Miller also spends some time talking about Eisenhower and how he was brought up to believe the world needed him. He was taught that his family would fall apart without him, all the children were taught this. If he believed his family would fall apart without him, eventually he would go on to believe his community/city/country would do the same. That is a trait of greatness I have never heard professed before. Comparing it to my life, I have a ways to go to reach such a status. I feel I have moved in the right direction a lot by myself in the past few years, but that hidden, comes-out-intuitively mode is not trained that way. I felt, like Miller, that my family would be better off without me, there would be less stress on my mother and siblings if I were not around.
...
It was a good Kindle purchase. I will probably finish it before the weekend is through, taking mental stock of what needs to change and looking for any insight on how to make that happen. Hopefully I can take care of it the way I have been taking care of tasks at school, because then it would not stand a chance of sticking around.
I've missed blogging. I do not like hand writing my thoughts, it feels obtrusive, but on a computer I feel much more natural. Must be an age thing. I hope this can be helpful in some way, if anything, just to have me document my hopes and desires and feel an urge to get them done so I cross them off. If God were unable to be everywhere at once, He would probably appreciate a written account of what took place. I know I do.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)